If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was
trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

My mom e-mailed this to me. I thought I'd share it. It's amusing.

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"


John F. Malachowski
Senior Test Technician
Any diode can be light emitting once!
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that understand binary, and those that don't.
To survive as a PCS high power designer you need just two things--a solid technical foundation and CPR

So Ashley and I saw Swan Lake on Sunday at the Kennedy Center. It was awesome. I bought tickets on friday and somehow managed to get us Orchestra seats, row N, seats 118 and 119. That's the middle of the GOOD orchestra section. They were awesome seats. We ate lunch at the cafe at the Kennedy Center and had curry dishes which were really good and relativley inexpensive. All in all it was amazing. Then we bought tickets to see the first part of Wagner's 5 part opera, Das Rheingold, in March. Ashley made this comment to help me convince mom to let me buy tickets "You're a good girl. It's not like your spending the money on crack or anything." The look the guy in line behind us gave us was priceless. I need to make a gif image describing the event. Then we somehow got lost in D.C. I still don't know how, but we took a 25 minute detour for a scenic tour of the bad part of D.C. Of course, we were in my car, which just screams "Jump me! Jump me!" But we were fine. In fact, Ashley laughed the entire time, while I panicked.

so I'm back in the dorms. I did a room swap, and now am in a bigger room with a bathroom that I don't have to share with sweetmates, 'cause I don't have any sweetmates. :) I made it back ok. The Christmas presents arrived intact too, so I can give them out now. I like my new room and roomie. It's awesome, even if I can't get my poster up and I can't get my photo board to stay.

so... if my computer breaks 2 more times, best buy will replace it with a different computer of equal or lesser value that I get to choose. :) I know for a fact that it will break again, too.... I'm hoping it breaks soon, 'cause my computer is crap and I have my eye on this nice little one....

on another note I'm leaving for college tomorrow. I'm both sad and excited.

So I'm taking a page out of Jeslyn's book and doing the book list thing, and realizing that hey, I've read a lot of classics. Thank you Sanford School. You made me read some good books, and some not so good books.

Make bold if you've read it, italicize if you've read parts, underline what you hope to read one day.

#1 The Bible

#2 Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain

#3 Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes

#4 The Koran

#5 Arabian Nights

#6 Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain

#7 Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift

#8 Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer

#9 Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne

#10 Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman

#11 The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli

#12 Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe

#13 Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank

#14 Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert

#15 Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens

#16 Les Miserables by Victor Hugo

#17 Dracula by Bram Stoker

#18 Autobiography by Benjamin Franklin

#19 Tom Jones by Henry Fielding

#20 Essays by Michel de Montaigne

#21 Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck

#22 History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire by Edward Gibbon

#23 Tess of the D'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy

#24 Origin of Species by Charles Darwin

#25 Ulysses by James Joyce

#26 Decameron by Giovanni Boccaccio

#27 Animal Farm by George Orwell

#28 Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell

#29 Candide by Voltaire

#30 To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

#31 Analects by Confucius

#32 Dubliners by James Joyce

#33 Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck

#34 Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway

#35 Red and the Black by Stendhal

#36 Das Capital by Karl Marx

#37 Flowers of Evil by Charles Baudelaire

#38 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

#39 Lady Chatterley's Lover by D. H. Lawrence

#40 Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

#41 Sister Carrie by Theodore Dreiser

#42 Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell

#43 Jungle by Upton Sinclair

#44 All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque

#45 Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx

#46 Lord of the Flies by William Golding

#47 Diary by Samuel Pepys

#48 Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway

#49 Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy

#50 Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

#51 Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak

#52 Critique of Pure Reason by Immanuel Kant

#53 One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey

#54 Praise of Folly by Desiderius Erasmus

#55 Catch-22 by Joseph Heller

#56 Autobiography of Malcolm X by Malcolm X

#57 Color Purple by Alice Walker

#59 Essay Concerning Human Understanding by John Locke

#60 Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison

#61 Moll Flanders by Daniel Defoe

#62 One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

#63 East of Eden by John Steinbeck

#64 Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison

#65 I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou

#66 Confessions by Jean Jacques Rousseau

#67 Gargantua and Pantagruel by Francois Rabelais

#68 Leviathan by Thomas Hobbes

#69 The Talmud

#70 Social Contract by Jean Jacques Rousseau

#71 Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson

#72 Women in Love by D. H. Lawrence

#73 American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser

#74 Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler

#75 A Separate Peace by John Knowles

#76 Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

#77 Red Pony by John Steinbeck

#78 Popol Vuh

#79 Affluent Society by John Kenneth Galbraith

#80 Satyricon by Petronius

#81 James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl

#82 Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov

#83 Black Boy by Richard Wright

#84 Spirit of the Laws by Charles de Secondat Baron de Montesquieu

#85 Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut

#86 Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George

#87 Metaphysics by Aristotle

#88 Little House on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder

#89 Institutes of the Christian Religion by Jean Calvin

#90 Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse

#91 Power and the Glory by Graham Greene

#92 Sanctuary by William Faulkner

#93 As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner

#94 Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin

#95 Sylvester and the Magic Pebble by William Steig

#96 Sorrows of Young Werther by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

#97 General Introduction to Psychoanalysis by Sigmund Freud

#98 Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood

#99 Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee by Dee Alexander Brown

#100 Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess

#101 Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman by Ernest J. Gaines

#102 Emile Jean by Jacques Rousseau

#103 Nana by Emile Zola

#104 The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier

#105 Go Tell It on the Mountain by James Baldwin

#106 Gulag Archipelago by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

#107 Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein

#108 Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Peck

#109 Ox-Bow Incident by Walter Van Tilburg Clark

#110 Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes

So, I got my grades today. I did well. So I'm thanking God for that. And it's Christmas Eve, so that's really cool. I've been cooking all day. On Wednesday, I made this really good trout dish with a Creole tomatoe side. It was amazing. I cooked three giant flets of Rainbow Trout, and all of us thought there would be tons of leftovers, but there weren't any. And yesterday I made Jam Thumbprints (they're cookies). I finished my sister's Afghan, which is good, and my Mother's scarf, so they're all wrapped up under the tree. Grandma's Afghan is taking a lot longer than I thought, because it's such a complicated design. It won't be done before tomorrow. In fact, it's not even halfway. Oh well. At least she gets to see part of it. I'm giving my mom a "You get 1 afghan made by Sarah sometime before the year 2008" slip. Lol. I don't have time to start hers now. So... getting ready for Mass now. Have a Very Merry Christmas!

Today we salute you, stressed out college student during exam week. As you sit in your lonely cubicle in the library, doped up on Starbucks and Aderol, you think to yourself: Am I ever going to need to know this stuff in real life? The distractions are tempting and you have diagnosed yourself with ADD along with advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary rage aimed at your computer screen. By now you know exactly what everyone is doing because you have checked your buddy list 800 times. Winter break is just days away, and your Prozac prescription will be in tomorrow. So crack open an ice cold Bud Light after that last exam, commander of cramming and bullshit connoisseur, because for most of us, Christmas will be spent in rehab.

i hate exams. the end.

especially 8:30 AM exams.

I'm really sad right now. My dog, Sweetie, hasn't been doing well lately. She was skin and bones when I got home. Her liver and kidney were failing, her eyes were really bad and had mucus coming out of them and she was having dry heaves. She was throwing up small ammounts of old blood. We had her put down this morning to end her suffering. I miss her. She was 11 years old, and we were lucky to have her for as long as we did. She was the sweetest dog ever, and I really wish she were here now. I'm really glad I made it back in time to see her before she died.